I Was Duped!

Dear Barney Frank,

You've clearly established yourself as the champion of the little guy, by pushing through "the most comprehensive housing reform since the New Deal" (threw up in my mouth a little bit on that one - sorry).

In one stroke of your mighty pen, you've saved 400,000 (so we're told) poor subprime borrowers who were duped by predatory lenders, who swooped into their apartments in the dead of night and held guns to their heads while forcing them to lie about their incomes and failing to disclose the terms of the loans they used to force these poor people into houses a heck of a lot nicer than mine, where they comfortably lived - at mortgage payments less than mine - for three or four years.

Yes, you're going to save these poor folks from losing these houses they can't afford, by forcing the lenders to write down the loans to 90% of the appraised value. And again, with just one stroke of your mighty pen!

Of course, that pen being mightier than a sword, you've also disemboweled 117 million taxpayers, who'll foot the bill for this act of grace, but hey - that's your job.

Now, I'd like to call upon you, O Superhero of the Duped, to bail me out.

See, back in 1999, I was duped by a predatory car salesman into buying a gas-guzzling SUV - a Jeep Grand Cherokee Limited with pretty much every available option.

He told me I needed the towing package. (I don't have a boat or a camper.) He told me I needed the off-road package. (Dude, I live in Kansas, for crying out loud.) He told me I needed the ten-CD changer. (It crapped out after about two years.) And with all that stuff, all that added weight, of course I had to have the big 5.7 liter V8 engine, complete with Quadra-Trac full-time four-wheel-drive. (Again, I live in Kansas.)

What he didn't tell me was that gas prices would darn near triple during the time I owned the sucker.

This beast gets about 15 miles per gallon, downhill with a tailwind. I can't sell it, because the value has fallen to about half what blue book was at the end of last year (hey - just like real estate values!). Well, okay, I could sell it, but I'd take a loss. And I shouldn't have to do that, now should I? After all, it's not like I was just taking the normal risk anyone takes when they buy a car, right? I was duped!

And even if I sold the behemoth, I couldn't afford a new hybrid, because dealers are selling them for more than sticker! That's just wrong! These guys need a new regulator!

I just can't afford the gas now, Barney. Well, okay, I can afford it, but I might have to give up eating out four nights a week and drinking expensive wine, and buying new guitars and stuff, and going on trips. That's just not fair! Heck, I'm already riding the train to Chicago for my summer vacation. The train, Barney, for crying out loud! Amtrak!

So here's my idea for a new bill:

1. Until I can sell this pig, the government should issue me a gas card. I can use it at any station, like a Visa (make sure I can get pop and Skittles with it too).
2. When I do sell, the government should give me a tax rebate for the difference between what blue book was a year ago and what it is now. (I haven't driven it all that much. Okay, I did drive to New Orleans and back in June, but that was for charity work, so I still want to be able to deduct those miles on my tax return.)
3. I want a tax credit for buying a new hybrid, and I want to buy it for dealer cost plus $100. Anything more than that is excessive profit and should be outlawed. I want a government loan for the car, at 0% interest for 72 months. Hey, if Ford can do it on an F150, Toyota can do it too.
4. For all the good things I'm doing for the environment by buying a hybrid, I want Al Gore to wash the sucker every Saturday until the wheels fall off.

Thanks, Barn. You're a heck of a lawman, kind of like that other Barney - you know, the one they only allowed to have one bullet, in his pocket, where it couldn't hurt anybody.

But you don't need a bullet. Your pen is a weapon of mass destruction.