Get Lost!

 Don't be offended. I'm not telling you to go away, vamos, scram, or any such thing. With all the talk over the past year about "following the science," I am warning you: attempt to follow the science, and you will only get lost. Because the "science" leads nowhere.

Witness the CDC's recent proclamation that grade school students can now safely sit only three feet apart, instead of the earlier six-foot distancing requirement. (Which has always been in conflict with the WHO's one-meter requirement. One meter is a little over three feet. Apparently the science differs depending on whether you're under the jurisdiction of the WHO or the CDC. Or maybe covid can jump six feet in the U.S., but only one meter in the rest of the world.)

Except now, it can only jump three feet in a grade school. But wait - that's just in the classroom. In common areas, the distancing requirement is still six feet. Apparently the virus can jump farther in a lunch room or a library than it can in a classroom.

Also, grade schools no longer have to have any kind of barrier between desks. Covid's ability to clear a Plexiglas shield has apparently been disproven. Fine - can banks and grocery stores remove their Plexiglas barriers now?

Of course, we've known all along, through the various closure requirements, that the "science" is more flexible than a carnival contortionist. Covid does not spread in large, crowded big box retail stores, although it does spread in other crowded places, like concerts. It does, however, spread in small mom-and-pop retailers. It doesn't spread in doctors' offices. But it does spread in hair and nail salons. It doesn't spread on naval vessels, but it does on cruise ships. It doesn't spread in government buildings, but it does in churches. It spreads like wildfire in bars and restaurants, even though there are no reported significant outbreaks stemming from one. And it especially spreads in bars after midnight, like the viral equivalent of the Mogwai from The Goonies. I guess you shouldn't get the virus wet, either.

Anyone who believes this new edict has anything remotely to do with science is probably still reaching under his or her pillow every morning, hoping against hope that finally, the Tooth Fairy remembered to show up, and is not only making good on all those lost teeth from childhood, but is paying interest to boot.

No, this has to do with available space. After much pushback from schools nationwide that they just can't reopen with six feet of separation due to space restrictions, and with the shiny new (but even more vapid) CDC Director wanting desperately to make her new boss look good and get schools open more than one day a week, the agency has changed the science. Poof. Just like that. The CDC didn't even try to justify the shift. No worries; the masses will believe it, because hey, it's the CDC. The CDC wouldn't lie to us. They're here to protect us.

Want more evidence that it's about space? Consider the maintenance of the six-foot requirement in common areas. Common areas are larger than classrooms. And in most schools, all kids aren't in the library or the lunch room or the gym at the same time. So space is less of a consideration.

If we know anything about this viru$, it's that there is no *&%$#@! science. Science is settled. But nothing about this thing is settled. Never has been. All we have are a bunch of theories. There's a theory that masks are effective as a mitigant. There's a theory that two masks are better than one. That the only path to herd immunity is mass vaccination. That new variants are far deadlier than the original strain. (Even the fatally flawed IHME model, which I debunked thoroughly and repeatedly last year, blows that one out of the water.)

So if you want to follow the science, be my guest. Don't blame me when you get so dizzy you fall on your arse.